Diving into Divorce. It has been painful and scary. But here I am. Not young anymore, and not too sure of myself. It is time to re-discover me. I am going to peel off the years of sadness, shame and self loathing.
It has been one week since my big TURN AROUND. Last saturday night I (not too self assured, divorced, mother of 3) GOT MY GROOVE BACK. The before looks nothing like the after. What a difference a week can make.
Last friday I came to the realization that it was time. Time to take me back. Pick up my pittiful self and wash off the years of dust that gathered as I was discarded in the back of the dark closet I called my marriage. I had totally lost myself. Didn't know who I was any longer, did not even resemble the pre-marriage me. Not physically, not emotionally. I had been out to a bar a few months earlier, after moving out of our house, to celebrate a friends birthday. I totally freaked out. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I looked around at the youth and wanted to bolt. I didn't talk to anybody I didn't already know and wanted to hide in a corner. Well, as time went by I could start to feel that pull--you know the one. That pull to want to be noticed by a man, to feel attractive again. Well, last weekend I decided I would no longer listen to the voices that had kept me in hidden from life. I would face the world. I would put myself together and go out. The goal: just to feel comfortable in my own skin. Get back to that self-confident woman I once was.
A few drinks later with my wing-girl at my side and I was feeling good. I felt good. We danced, sang, laughed and enjoyed life! Wow! What a feeling. I was not afraid of all that youth, I was infatuated by it. I wanted a piece of it. I felt like that is where I left off, before going into a long slumber.
I saw a tall younger man standing behind us and across the bar. I decided I was going to make a move but before I could get up the courage, he was gone. Now, I was thinking, what can I do. I felt I really needed to make a move, do something BIG. This was my Re-awakening. It must be marked with something.
And here he came. Full of energy and confidence. Cutest grin. Full of flirt. Tom, he came over and offered to by us drinks. I, of course, accepted. He then put his arm around my waist. Ahhh, that was it. I was hooked. He started to talk, not sure what he said, I was busy remembering to breathe. Right then I decided to ask him to kiss me. Yep, me. The same girl who 24 hrs earlier wasn't so sure I could even step foot in a club. I was sure all I could attract were men I find disgusting. I wasn't worth anything more. He did. Kiss me. I was kissed with such passion I remember grabbing the bar to keep from falling. Tingling body, racing heart, weak knees. Wow, I had forgotten all those feelings. I was hooked. This hot body, good looking, successful, Airforce Academy graduate, Pilot boy was hooked too. This is exactly what my self-esteem needed. A club full of young, beautiful, hardly dressed young girls and Tom chose me. Not what I would have expected from myself, but I did procede to kiss him/totally make out, intensely at the club. For quite a while, he was pressed up against me as I was pressed up against the bar. I am pretty sure I lost conscienceness. Time ceased to exist. It was too wonderful to measure by minutes or hours. The bar closed and he walked me out, not able to take his eyes or hands off me-ahhhhhh! to the car. He was coming with us. Just looking at his smile made me giddy. He had the sexiest mouth ever! I couldn't stop to think. I really was going to bring the first man to kiss me in 14 years home with me. We barged in the door, kissing the entire time. We made it to the couch, then the floor. I was giggling like a girl. Everytime I took a breathe and looked at his smiling mouth, I melted again. Thoughts tried to creep in, what are you doing? He couldnt possibly find you attractive? What is wrong with you? But they were quickly replaced by passion. Now Passion had been a long repressed feeling. Unleashing it felt so liberating. As we stumbled through the house and landed in bed, all I could do was lose myself in the warmth of it all. It was so empowering to be the older woman. If I had a thought, I said it. No longer will I keep all my thoughts locked up in my head. He held me, kissed me, passionately and kindly. Long, deep kisses and soft kisses on my neck, face, body. I never thought I would survive such a physically fit, hot, young man seeing me naked, my war torn body. But I did. I let myself just enjoy it. No hang ups.
I was not ready for the awkwardness of the next morning but we made it through. He was a gift. What an amazing man. I never expected that. It clearly was the best medicine for me. It was the perfect cure for all the depression, self-doubt, negative image....the list goes on. It flipped a switch in me. Being happy was possible. Pleasure was possible. Wow, I feel so much younger. I feel unburdened. I will be chasing that feeling for awhile. I deserve to be weak in the knees. I am worth long passionate kisses. That night I went out to get my GROOVE back, and that I did. The GENIE IS OUT OF THE BOTTLE!
Thank you pilot boy. You have no idea of the gift you have given me.
